Before You...

Adia,

Sometimes I look back at pictures of your Daddy and me before we had you.  And one day in particular, my first thought when I saw one picture was "We look so lonely without Adia."  I thought about that for a while... and it's so true.  We were just two random people until we had you.  You have made us who we are.  We are Adia's Mama and Daddy.  Life before you wasn't miserable, but we both knew we were missing something.. and that something was you. 

This is the picture that brought that thought to my mind. 

It was taken on our honeymoon.  We thought we were living the most happiest time of our lives.  And it was a happy time; an awesome time!  But no time we have ever had is better than the times we spend with you.  As I'm writing this I am reminded of the book I got you for your First Valentine's Day, which states an absolute truth... "If you weren't my little girl, there'd be a hole in the world.  A piece would be gone; I just couldn't go on.  The world wouldn't work without you." 

Your Daddy and I love you so incredibly much.  You complete us.  You make us a family.  We are so thankful for the precious memories we get to make with you.  We wouldn't trade the life we are living with you for anything!

Painted Finger Nails

Adia,

Last Saturday, I did something I have not done in years... I painted my finger nails!  Now, to just anyone having painted fingernails is not a big deal at all.  But for me, it is.

From way back, as far as I can first remember Aunt Lib always had her finger nails painted.  Even in her sickest days, her daughters would paint her nails... She just would not have anyone see her without her nails done!  When I was a little girl sometimes she would give me a manicure.  Those were the best times.  I felt like I was getting the royal treatment! 

Probably a year or so before she left us, she grabbed my hand and flipped it palm side up. She put her hand next to mine and pointed out that we had the same crooked pinkie finger.  And we sure did!  She said, "You and I are the only ones in the family with this crooked pinkie.  But that just means we're something really special, Katie Boo." 

As I get older, it becomes more and more noticable how similar my hands are to my Aunt Lib's.  I remember, as a child, watching her hands on the stirring wheel. Now I look at mine on the stirring wheel and they look just like hers. 

I think I have subconsciously not painted my finger nails, because of the memories it would bring back of my Aunt Lib.  Now that I have painted them, I don't think I'll ever stop painting them.  The memories my painted nails brought back are good ones; ones I'd like to keep around.  I can't wait until you are old enough to start painting your nails so I can tell you this story.  And I'm anxious to see if you have our crooked pinkie too!  You're my heart, little one.

Broken Hearted..

Adia,


There have been so many stories in the news about young kids committing suicide. It is so upsetting to hear about kids so young feeling so helpless. Many of these kids say bullying and non-acceptance is the reason why they just didn't want to live in this world anymore. I would say that a Mother's biggest fear, when it comes to her child, is having to bury him or her. I never want to do that. If your life ended, I think it would also be the end of my life.

Some of these kids were being bullied and were not being accepted by their peers, teachers, and even their parents because of their homosexuality. As a Christian, I do believe what the Bible teaches and the Bible says that homosexuality is a sin. But the lines between right and wrong when it comes to homosexuality are getting more and more blurred for me. I won't get into the 'deep stuff' yet. I know this will be a really confusing discussion to have in the years to come, but I don't believe anyone should ever be that hated by society to where committing suicide is a better option than living.

Some Christians are very hateful, verbally and physically, towards the homosexual population. I don't believe in using Christianity as a right to degrade someone. You have to put yourself in other people's shoes sometimes. I have thought, "What if it were my child that was gay and felt so hated?" It really opened my mind. You would never be without the support of your Mama. I would do everything in my power to make sure you know how important you are and how this world would be a horrible place if you were not in it. It's so heart-breaking to hear that a child's own parents refuses to give that child love because of their homosexuality. I would never reject you.

I just want you to know that no matter how you choose to live your life, you will always have your Mama's love. And if people throughout this life reject you and hate you, I will always try to find the pieces of your broken heart and make it whole again. I love you and you will always be my perfect God-given angel!

Slowing Down..

Adia,


It has been an insanely hot summer this year.  Every summer, I read about or see a story on the news of a parent accidentally leaving their baby in the car.  It was always sad to me in years past, but now that I have you it absolutely crushes my heart.  I cannot imagine a baby being left in such a hot car and how the baby must feel. And I cannot imagine how a parent must feel when they realize what they have done.

When I hear of incidents like this happening, I think to myself, "How could a mother forget that her child is in the car?" It just didn't make sense to me.  It still doesn't.  But I saw a story of a mother who honestly forgot her child, and it was a fatal mistake that taught her a hard lesson.  It taught her to slow down. She was so caught up in her routine and making sure her to-do list for the day was being checked off that she forgot to take her baby out of the car.

My life revolves around you.  That's why it's so hard for me to understand forgetting a child.  If I forgot to get you out of the car, as soon as I got in the house I would realize you weren't there.  But I would never forget you.  You are like a part of my body.  There is not one waking second that you are not on my mind.

I am lucky to be a stay at home mother.  I'm lucky that I don't have to stress about work on top of being a mom.  But even if I did work, I still believe I would be just as in tune with you as I am now.  I would get to know you just as well as I know you now, even if I was dog-tired from work.  Some days it is easy to get caught up in what needs to be washed or what should I make for dinner.  But usually I catch myself or you scream for my attention and I realize I need to slow down. For example, I was busy putting clothes in the wash and folding clean clothes while you were fussing in the background.  I was aware that you were crying, but didn't let it register that something may be wrong.  When I 'woke up' from my housework daze, I stopped to see what was wrong and you were fussing because of an uncomfortable dirty diaper.  I felt horrible.  But thankfully a dirty diaper isn't life threatening.  I know that house work can wait because time I could be spending with you doesn't wait. You will be a grown woman in the blink of an eye. And that housework will still be there! :) 

Everything I do is for you.  Sometimes I consider getting a job so we can have some extra money. But I would go without many things before giving up the time I get to spend with you.  I'd go without eating before you'd go without food.  I'd go without getting clothes for myself, before you go without clothes that keep you cool and clothes that keep you warm.  You are my priority and I love that.

I know I will never be super mom and I know I will do many more things wrong.  But I do try to do the best I can do for you.  I don't want to grow old and feel like I missed out on watching you grow up because of housework or because I was focused on myself.  Your blue eyes and your sweet smile remind me everyday to slow down and enjoy my time with you!  I love you more and more every day.

Our Faded La-Z-Boy

 The La-Z-Boy was bought by your Papa and Memsie back in 1983.  It rocked your Uncle Adam first when he was just a baby, then it rocked me!  This chair helped our feelings stop hurting; helped heal our colds.  It relieved our fears after a bad nightmare.  It soothed us when we had a boo-boo.  It was our spot where Mom and Dad would rock our cares or sickness away.  When we grew older, it was our amusement ride.  We would try to rock the other out of it.  It was, basically, our jungle gym.

My parents gave me the chair when Papa got a new one, and I put it in my room. When your Daddy and I first starting dating, I would sit in this chair to write emails to him or to write in my journal about him. Then when Daddy and I got married we took it to our new home. I sat and rocked in it when I was pregnant with you. It was so relaxing to come home from work and recline my swollen legs up in the air to take a cat nap. I would sit in the chair and read to you while you were in my belly. I curled up (as much as I could at 39 weeks pregnant) and cried in this chair when Aunt Lib died.

When you were born, I would sit with you and rock you to sleep. When you would cry, we would rock while listening to music. I would rock you and sing lullabies after feeding you. I would look at you, with tears of joy and disbelief, while rocking you in this faded ole La-Z-Boy.

Now, when you're really sleepy you'll let us rock you in the chair. Mostly you are using it for your jungle gym now. But when you get a boo-boo you come to me; we sit in the chair and start rocking the hurt away.

This faded old recliner isn't much to look at, but it's a part of the family. When you look back at your baby photos and see it in pictures I'm sure your first thought will be, "what an ugly chair" or "why did my parents have that old, ratty looking chair when they could have a new one". This can go for anything in life, it doesn't matter what something or someone looks like, all that matters is how you feel when it comes to the object or person.  If I didn't have so many fond memories that involved this chair, then I would think it was ugly too.  But when I look at it, I see home and when I sit in it, I am home.  Just wanted you to know the history of the ugly chair you will be seeing in many pictures through the years.  

Aunt Lib, Your Namesake

Adia,

I cannot believe you have been out of the womb for over a year now.  Time moves faster the older you get. When you are in school, especially middle through high school, you will think time is going by at such a slow pace.  In fact, you may even question whether the Earth is still turning!  But as slow as you will think time is dragging, that's how fast I will think time is flying.  I wish I could freeze time at any moment, just to soak up the memories.  And I wish I could go back to any point in time to relive some memories.

Memories are so precious because no matter how many material things come and go, or how many people live and die; memories can't be taken away.  Some of my dearest memories of my childhood involve the trips to Upstate South Carolina to visit my Aunt Lib.  She was more like a Grandmother to me and I wish so badly to take you back in time so you could meet her.  After all, she is the amazing woman I named you after.

My Aunt Lib's real name was Elizabeth.  No words will ever be able to describe the person she was, but I will try to put down in words how important she was to me.

Aunt Lib was my mom's oldest sister.  When Memsie was 17, her mom died.  And just a few years later her dad died.  So, all my mom had were her siblings.  Aunt Lib stepped into the mom role in Memsie's life. Memsie was extremely close to Aunt Lib, so naturally I became very close to her as well.  Aunt Lib would always say I was like a daughter to her.

I never doubted that she loved me unconditionally.  She never forgot my birthday.  Even though she hardly had any extra money, she would always send me something.  She would let me come stay with her for a week during the summer when I was a child.  I remember those summers like they happened yesterday.  She would tell me stories of the Stephens' side of the family.  I loved hearing about my grandparents that I never met. When we would go out on a drive somewhere, she would always let me hold the stirring wheel so I could "drive".  And if I ever happened to be visiting her on a Saturday morning, we would go get a Hardee's Chicken Biscuit and a Coke.  Visiting her was like being in a different world, a perfect world.  When I would leave to go back home to Florence, she would hug me so hard it hurt.  And she would say, "I love you, my Katie Boo."

Gosh, I miss so many things about her.  The things I miss most are her hugs, her laugh, and the way she made me feel like I was someone so special.  I could be talking about the most ridiculous and stupid things, yet she would listen with her full attention on me.  She had a way of building up my self esteem.  She never thought of herself first at any point in her life.  She did so many things in her community and so many people respected her and thought so highly of her.  She was not soft spoken by any means, and if you did or said something she didn't like, she would definitely let you know.  I think that's why so many people liked her.  She was a true, honest person and that's really hard to find these days.

The Saturday morning Hardee's tradition continued until she was no longer able to eat the chicken biscuits anymore because of her pain.  And the hugs continued until her strength weakened.  I can't eat Hardee's chicken biscuits again yet.  And I miss those hugs, desperately.

Aunt Lib was diagnosed with cancer.  We had great faith that she would surely be able to beat the cancer. She is by far the strongest woman I have ever known.  She would go through some bad months and then she'd start doing better.  But, I guess, God wanted her to be closer to Him.  I was so angry when she died. I cried out to God to ask him, "Why now? She suffered all these years and you take her the week before my baby is born?"  I was so angry that she wasn't able to meet you at least once. She was so excited for me and she couldn't wait to see you.  She was happy to finally have something to look forward to.  I still don't understand why the timing was the way it was, but I'm not angry at God. I'm just sad when I think about it.

Shortly after you were born, I was watching some show on TV and a lady said she believed that one soul from a family must die, so another one could be born into that family.  I'm not sure if I like that saying or not. But it somehow made me feel better because I already see so much of her in you. You have her face and her spirit.  I think I will have my hands full for the rest of my life trying to keep up with you.  But I will love every minute of it.  Nothing could make me prouder than if you were just like your Great Aunt Lib.. She was an all-around amazing woman and as soon as I knew the baby in my womb was a girl, I knew exactly what your middle name was going to be... Elizabeth.

I love you Adia Elizabeth!!

A New Life

Adia,


Well, Little One, we will soon be celebrating your first birthday.  The year has flown by in a way, but then again it feels like you've been here forever. I can hardly remember what it was like holding you when you were just 6 pounds and 11 ounces. I tell myself not to be sucked into missing you as a newborn baby, because then I would miss all the new and crazy things you are learning to do now! But, I'd like to reminiscence just a little bit right now so I can share your birth story.


The week of June 20th, 2010 I started noticing some cramp-like pains in my belly. But I didn't realize they were contractions because they would only stick around for half a day. I just thought they were little muscle pains from my big belly. On Thursday June 24th, I woke up with contractions and they continued throughout the day. I called Memsie around 2 o'clock in the afternoon to tell her about the pains. She came over to my house and we started to time how far apart the contractions were coming. By 5 o'clock in the evening, the contractions were coming 2-3 minutes apart. I knew I should head to the hospital soon.

Your Daddy was at work until 9 o'clock that night. So, I called Daddy and said, "I think I want to go ahead to the hospital when you get home."  Well, apparently he sensed no urgency in my voice, because when he got home he took a shower and packed like we were going on a week long vacation! I was thinking to myself, "Well, maybe I should leave without him." I was trying to remain calm, so I gently said, "Eddie, I'm seriously in labor - it's not super painful, but I just really don't want to have this baby here." After about 30-45 minutes we were finally ready to head to McLeod Hospital.

We arrived at the hospital around 10:30 that night. They admitted me into the Labor and Delivery section so they could verify whether or not I was in labor. They offered me a wheelchair and I said, "No thanks, I'm able to walk. We'll save the wheelchair for afterward." Once we got placed in a room, I laid down on the bed with a monitor strapped to my belly. The monitor determined that sure enough, I was in active labor. The nurse said I was 3 centimeters dilated. With my contractions being so hard and fast, she suspected that we'd have you in a few hours. But, there was a different plan en route. Around 12 o'clock, I got an epidural. (If you're reading this when you're a grown woman and in favor of a natural birth..Sorry, but your Mama likes drugs) Actually, I got two epidurals because the first one didn't work in the area the nurse first stuck me. I was told by moms that the epidural was the worst part, but I didn't feel it going into my back either time.

Pretty & swollen. Before epidural.

 

Honestly, I was never in any real pain, even before the epidural. The nurses were shocked that I walked up to the unit without any assistance. And they were surprised how well I was taking the contractions. At one point Memsie said, "Are the contractions hurting pretty bad?" My response was, "No, they aren't bad at all. They just feel like cramps."  The nurse, while looking at the contractions monitor, said, "Um, no, they are pretty bad contractions. You must have an extremely high pain tolerance."  This is my secret to getting through what you know is going to be painful - Imagine the very worst pain possible. If you expect it to be horrible and if you expect it to keep getting worse, you are going to get through it just fine. But I still got the epidural anyway.

Around 1 o'clock in the morning, on June 25th, the doctor finally broke my water. By 5 o'clock that morning I was ready to start pushing and at 8:30 that same morning I was still pushing. I was highly exhausted from not sleeping at all through the night and from three and a half hours of pushing. Finally, the doctor realized that you were not going to be able to fit through my bones. And by that time, I had completely stopped contracting!! The doctor decided to do an emergency c-section. The following few minutes were pretty scary because nurses were flocking in prepping me for surgery. I was so overwhelmed by the fast paced emergency mode, I cried.  I think it was a combination of exhaustion, relief and nervousness.

But hallelujah, you were born at 9:05 in the morning on June 25th, 2010 - which was your actual DUE DATE!! You weighed 6 pounds 11 ounces and you were 20 inches long.

Going home on Sunday June 27, 2010

Everything else in the whole world didn't matter anymore. A new little life was finally here. You were finally in our arms. And, yes, I would do it all over again.

I love you so much, my sweet Little One!

First Mother's Day

Adia,


Words can't begin to describe what being your mommy means to me. I feel so blessed that God entrusted me with you. He purposely designed you just for me and I am in such awe of having a beautiful little girl to call my daughter. I definitely do not deserve to have such an amazing gift from God, but I'm so thankful He gave you to me.

Not a day goes by that I don't look at you and thank God. You are my heart. I love you beyond understanding. And I don't think I could count on six hands the amount of "I love you's" I say a day. I couldn't count the amount of kisses I give or the amount of hugs. I promise, not a day will go by without me telling you I love you, no matter how 'uncool' it may be to you in the future. And you will always have more hugs than you can stand.

When you were a newborn, I would just sit and watch you sleep. Even now that you're getting close to the one year mark, I still love to watch you sleep. It's always been so hard to not touch you or pick you up and hold you close. But I know you need your sleep, so I resist the temptation to hold you...most the time.

Loving you came so incredibly natural. I have some faults when it comes to the whole motherhood thing, but loving you is not one. 

I watch in amazement of all the news things you are learning to do on your own. Even though it's already starting to break my heart, I'm excited to watch you grow. I look forward to teaching you new things and you teaching me new things.

I always knew that one day I would be a mom. I just had no idea when it would happen. God knew I needed my own little angel on earth, and on June 25th 2010 my little angel was born. You are a masterpiece and I will never be able to describe how it feels to know that God chose ME to be your Mommy. How did I ever get so lucky?! 

Scarlet Letter

Adia,


Sometimes I worry about the world we have brought you into. I know we will do our very best to teach you how to be strong and survive, but even with all our teaching, I know you are bound to experience hurt. The hardest part about being a parent is that you can't protect your child from everything or everyone. Sometimes the people that cause the most hurt will be the people you have know for the longest time. And the way those people will hurt you is through gossip or rejection.

When you're a bit older, you will realize that Mom & Dad had only been married 6 months before you joined our family. But you had perfect timing, or rather, God had perfect timing. Some may have called me harsh names. Some may forever look at me completely different. Some may forever gossip about "the preacher's daughter", and I do mean forever. But that's totally A-OK because, as The Good Book says, "Let he without sin cast the first stone." And, just so you know, no one is without sin.

Some may say you were an accident or even a mistake. But it doesn't matter what they say. I can't say it was a mistake, because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. God knew exactly what he was doing. I'm not sure if I (or Memsie) would have made it through the grieving process of my Aunt Lib's death if it weren't for you.

I do feel as though I wear a scarlet letter when I'm around certain people.  But, you know what? I've always loved the book and I wear this scarlet letter proudly. I will never be ashamed of loving your father and I will never be ashamed of having you.

Rumors and gossip will always exist. Just remember, the people who matter will love you unconditionally, no matter what is said about you or what you have done. I love you and you were put in my life at the exact moment you were meant to be. No matter how wrong one may consider it.  Always walk with your head held high because only God can judge us and the only forgiveness that matters is His.

Another move...

Adia,

I now have experienced the "mother hen" feeling. My world felt like it was breaking into pieces last night when I didn't have control over your or your Daddy's safety in our own home. I understand why movies sometimes portray the mother as the one who seeks revenge on those who have hurt her family. I understand why there is only a Queen Bee in the hive. I understand why the Statue of Liberty is a woman. I understand why hunters always fear the mother bear will be very near to the cub they have in sight. Women are strong in a fight; we are brave in the face of uncertainty. And we are tireless when it comes to protecting our family. As a mother, I want a home where my family will never cease to feel secure, safe, and worry free. We should never feel unprotected by the four walls around us. Unfortunately, these feelings have ceased in this home and we are not certain of our safety here. But I won't allow my family to live in fear. So, not even 12 hours later we found a new home.  And we will move again and again in order to provide you with a home that will be your safe-haven.

You should never let anyone intimidate you, whether they are man or woman. But you should never allow your family to stay in a harmful environment. No matter what sacrifices you have to make, you must always take it to the limit, even possibly over the limit, when protecting your family. And remember, sometimes you can't wait for the authorities to make things right. You have to take initiative and remove yourself from danger.

And as your enemy stares you down thinking he has defeated you because of your decision to retreat, stare right back at him with your matriarch eyes until he has to question who defeated whom.

I will always go to the extreme when it comes to you and your Daddy. I would die for you; I would kill for you. All in the name of my love for you.